These past few months have been difficult for me and my family. For me, it has been the anniversary of several years of regret... For the family as a whole, it has been hectic. Not just with the coming of Christmas and New Years... What with my mum preparing for college and my daddy doing his thing with art... We are having high stresses... Each night is a battle, each day a war with addictions and shame. I haven't been much use for my family. I know this. And though I have tried so hard to measure up to my own expectations of what a good daughter SHOULD be... I must say I am failing miserably. I keep falling into depression, which leads me into falling prey to my lust and self injury habits. I talk back to my daddy, and regret it almost instantly... Even before daddy makes a response, I note that "I shouldn't have done that..." I hate that I keep doing these things. I keep doing what I hate... When I repent of what I have done, with a broken spirit then I just slip right back into it... Am I really repentant? Am I really sorry? Will I ever be different... When I apologize to my daddy he often responds coldly, "Well, if you really were sorry you'd stop..." I'm sure he doesn't mean it to be cold, but that is how it comes across... If that could apply to apologies... would it not apply to repentance as well? If I really was repentant, I'd stop....
I hate that I always argue, that I cause the peace in the home to be challenged... I hate that I keep going for comfort in what I know will only leave me empty, aching, and hollow. I hate that I can never keep my promises... And I hate that I cannot back up my apologies... Part of me just wishes I was never born. I don't wish to feel like this, but I do. Recently, all I can see and feel is a seemingly never-ending tunnel that will only end with death... I feel hopeless and as if there is no way out of this pit. I need help... And personally I do not care who started the arguments, nor who did what... I only want to work out the restlessness, I just want to be held... I just want to know that there can be hope. I just want the arguments and restlessness to end. And Part of me feels that if I died, they'd be better off... And I feel like all the restlessness and anger and arguments would die with me. But with friends telling me that things would be worst and not better without me and painting mental images of where it could go afterward, I still push through to stay alive, and keep trying... To be honest, though; I'm tired of trying... Normally, I am the one to encourage people, the one who comes to the aid of others... but now I need that to be done for me... Because, I'm afraid that I will never get to my goal. Which is to become a stable, obedient, willing and able, sane, and respectful daughter for my parents and to stop falling prey to my addictions.
