LIGHT for MI

Love that Inspires Growth and Hope through Trials

Love that Inspires Growth and Hope through Trials

Mental Illness and Our Take on It
Blog

Our Struggles, Our Testimonies, Our Hopes, Our Dreams

"Lord, I must say; I had lost my hope. I thought You were mad at me, that I was wrong, wicked, and ugly. But these people spoke Your words to me. Supposedly, You spoke through them, telling me I have beauty and gifts. Lord, You remembered me in my youth; when I was close to You. Is this You? Is it true? Do You truly mean this of me?"
 
I wrote these words in my journal at the end of my day, yesterday... I was pierced by joy and it is natural for joy to break one's heart, I suppose... But, God reached out to me so lovingly yesterday, but I had deafened my ears for so long... Honestly, I was down all week, angry, quitting life and expecting to quit Christianity... I even settled for even less than Him. But, I must say that when one who truly loves God, says they're quitting in the faith... It is like saying, "I quit breathing." So, inevitably, I returned, like a thousand times before... after saying those words, and God took advantage of that moment... He dove right back into my heart and whispered the words, I longed to hear. Now, subconsciously, I have this messed up picture of what God is like... I think every human being tends to believe similarly... I always imagined God almost as some angry Scotsman who has no problem hauling a "beastly child's" arse upstairs and tanning their hide. I always seemed to believe that He was this passionate man with a fire that would eat me alive if I didn't please Him... I always tried to force myself to do the things I thought He wanted me to do to make Him love me... I was always angry with looking in the mirror, and seeing a pathetic monster that God must hate... So naturally, I was afraid to face God... My tongue preached about such a caring God who unconditionally loved all of His creation, but I lived like I was saying, "God loves all of His creation, and children unconditionally... well all but me." I lived as though I had to work to earn His love...
 
I always thought God was saying harsh things to me... I was terrified to be that "false prophet", that "hypocrite", that "generation of vipers"... I thought I was the coward, liar, manipulator, and demonchild that many said of me... I assumed God believed it of me. So, Sunday morning, I went to church... and my friend, Mr. Bob preached on Jeremiah 2:2-7... I must remember a quote I found on Facebook when mentioning this sermon; "There is something comforting about a billion stars held steady by a God who knows what He's doing" and I must add that it is comforting to think about that because He is mindful of billions of stars each and every one of them... then the God who holds the stars in place, turns around and whispers; "I want to hold your heart..." to billions of captive people and He chooses to free and love them... Knowing I'm one of those freemen--or women breaks my heart with joy because this, the Starkindler is also the Healer and longs to heal what has been shattered... So when this sermon was preached, there were several points to it...
 
1.) You are the object of remembering... Yaweh remembers you!
2.) Within a sea of faces, you can tend to feel rejected, unimportant, forgotten... but Yaweh's thoughts are on you...
3.) The devotion of your youth--your hesed-- a loving kindness, affection and covenent love is what God longs from you...
4.) Psalm 139:15-18: The Lord delighted in the time that you were in your mother's womb... Because it was just you and Him...and the mutual affection between the two...
5.) Though He cherishes and remembers it all, you turned from Him... you were angry...Why? Because whatever happened to bring you there seemed unjust and not fair to you...
6.) So, now you may be in the Valley of Baca[weeping], but it isn't your destination, but the journey to it...
7.) The Lord wants to bring you to the land of bounty and restore it all as if it never happened...
8.) It is time to decide if we are ready to do what it takes and set out again to leave that place...
9.) God remembers. Do you?
 
I went on with the day, still feeling a little cynical about it all, but the sermon pierced and broke through my shield. Which brought the tears I've stowed away... Until I went to a prophetic gathering in Mr. Bob's newly planted church... and God spoke directly to me through a song that a friend sang and two strangers... Told me I was beautiful and gifted, that I radiate joy and God is pleased with me... He loves me for the joy I have, and long to spread to all people... It broke all control I had and I cried hard on the shoulder of a dear friend so much... I didn't want to believe any of it... but, God touched me, and broke right through the whispers I had and blessed me with sweet rest and the end of the tunnel... Through the prayers of the faithful, He lifted the clouds up just enough to see His light... even on this overcast day I am not depressed nor down, which is so nice... I feel like I really do have a sound mind now. Which is new to me, at least in these past few months...
 
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Who We Are

Arianna
Arianna LIGHT for MI

Arianna is a proud authoress, artist, and musician, but the most important thing about her is; she seeks the hidden face of God with a passion. A lover of culture, art, music, and all things geeky and Celtic, her writings are often greatly impacted by these things.

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Valerie
Valerie LIGHT for MI

Valerie is the wife of a remarkable man, and the mother of three children, with two of whom having various degrees of mental illness. Valerie is no stranger to mental illness herself as a sufferer of depression on and off for years.

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