Been a very rough month. Part of me cannot wait for 2015 to come...yet the other part is afraid of 2015's coming. The years of 2013 and 2014 has been nothing but war against myself, against demons, against my family, against my better judgments... If that was all that was going on with me, though, it'd be easier compared to what happened on December 15th. I was rushed to the emergency room after an attempted suicide through overdose. I obviously survived, so I was sent to the psych hospital. Went through various forms of therapy, had to be around people seemingly 24/7. I returned home, but now I am fighting the shame and guilt of what I had done. If I could rewrite it, I would remove this stain from my history in a heartbeat... Alas, I not only have to battle with my shame... I also have to battle with feeling inferior and feeble. I cannot handle certain sounds, or they'll set of my spasms... I'm often in my bedroom, taking walks, hiding from people, avoiding direct communication, and doing all of it alone. Being around people drains me, talking to anyone saps me of my energy... even through texts it seems now... But the worst of this are the feelings of shame, being unable to forgive myself, unable to help with much around the house, helpless, fear, and despair and feeling them on my own with nobody to hear me. I am greatly thankful that God didn't take me up yet, but I still am troubled... So all this week, I have been praying, reaching out to God, waiting for the sunrise of a new chapter... (The piece of art in this post was one I made about the feelings I have and yet knowing there is hope for a light in the distance.)
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