'twas a difficult time for me, this month... I have been seriously struggling with my depression. What with losing three friends and having horrific nightmares. I've gotten back into an old obsession-- the anime show; Naruto. When watching the linked scene, it pierced through my heart... "You even rejected the one who tried to help you..." When Gaara was weeping that, I felt like God was speaking to me through that video... It helped me to realize that Jesus is weeping that. I've grieved him greatly.
I constantly gave into my addiction to porn and eroticas and cut a lot but that image of tears in Gaara's eyes reminded me of Jesus. Of course, I know that might sound silly... but God uses all my media choices to reveal images to me. I've gone 7 days without looking at eroticas and porn. Also gone 9 days without cutting, now! I wrote/listened to/took these to get through it all:
I fight a hardcore battle. The severity of the war of my mind is so oppressing. I have blood spilling from my wrists and tears raining from my eyes... I am but a bystander. I didn't ask for this war. Don't look at me if you're looking for perfection. I may look strong; I might be kind. I may look courageous and like I've never cried a single tear. But I'm imperfect; and I'm my worse enemy. I cry behind locked doors and into my pillow.
I am just a child in a suit of armour, traumatized by the explosions and afraid of the warcries... I am no citizen, I am an immigrant. I am no soldider, I am a healer. I am no warrior, I am a bard. My home is not here it is beyond... I am not called to train to make wound but to heal them; but every time I aim to do exactly that, I end up hurting them more... Just don't look to me to be your perfect lil emotionless robot to do all you say with no concern for myself... I am only human.
And for all of your information, for a long time, I felt God nudging me to write my life story. I fought him, but I'm finally writing it! I feel someone could learn from or better yet, be comforted by it... I'm hoping my story is inspiring...blog comments powered by Disqus