I have been taking a well-earned sabbatical from writing and Wattpad. Been reflecting on the Word, examining my heart, listening and spending time with my friends and family. During my reflections, I noted three things in my life that need work on desperately. 1.) my perspective on myself 2.) my habits of secret holding from my parents and 3.) my habits of getting into conflicts that I do not belong in... I just now realized that, though they seem like three completely different points that I'm mentioning, they are still surprisingly entwined with one another. 
I noticed it by looking back at a status that expressed how I felt about myself. The perspective one has of themselves tend to affect their habits...
"sigh... I hate my very existence and I just want someone to just sit really close to and cuddle with. However, I feel like just a shadow, the kind that scares everyone away, because it looks beastly..." — feeling depressed.
I have noticed that this very perspective of myself affects two things about me: which is my "need" for proving myself independent and able to go through life on my own... and my "need" to be the hero... When I cannot prove myself worthy or that I can handle others' and my own problems, that I, myself can save my friends and myself. That's when I get dis-regulated, I start feeling as though I make things worse by noticing the beast-- that is my mental illness--lashed out on somebody else... I become an outcast. I lose friends. I lose relationships. I, then feel as though my mental illness-- which is the "shadow of the beast"-- is the only defining thing anyone else sees in me... So, as they look at the shadow, they believe it beastly... I'll digress and say my disease can really be that. They'd rather see the shadow, and turn away without seeing the owner of that shadow... me, my true self. I tend to want to work my disorder away. I am very competitive, which is part of my disease, I believe... I must rise above it, on my own, with my willpower, by my own strength--forget about depending on God. Forget about asking what He wants... I have to be that hero... We probably can logically say we've all been here... the fact that it is against all I believe... and it makes forgiving others even more of a challenge, as well, because it's on my own will... I cannot forgive, except by the power and love of the Lord INSIDE OF ME! We all struggle with surrendering in obedience to God. Some more than others... and I can honestly say, that regrettably I am one of the more stubborn children, I kick and scream my way back to God, a lot of times... But, I do try to work past that I turn my eyes upon the Lord.
By entering into conflicts that I probably ought to have not gotten involved in, trying to be the hero of those who struggled, I have lost friends, torn people apart, just by watching it unravel at my touch. I have learned a valuable lesson today in my dailyaudiobible... and this lesson is to rely on God's voice... Look to His will before your own desires... ask Him to answer the question; what is the posture of my heart? He is the ultimate hero that works through and resides in you... You are only the hands and feet... He is the power that wills you to move... the only thing we need to do is pray, abide in His call for us, submit to His will and move where He leads us... The true earthly "heroes" are the one who choose to bend a knee to the Almighty, and do each simple thing according to His will to advance His kingdom... the ordinary shall become extraordinary, by their willingness to surrender.
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