10 Years of Recovery: From Freak of Nature-Unpacking it All

10 Years Ago...2014: First Step

This was the wake-up call for me. When our ministry began, we were motivated by losses, motivated by the Church's lack of compassion for us, and others struggling with mental health problems. This, too, was the time my mental health declined so badly that I attempted suicide just before Christmas. So much cascading down, including mourning normality. The first step, for me, was when I overdosed to end my life, and my mum was so distraught that I finally woke up to the fact that I needed to change. Each step from the pit below was difficult, but I aimed to improve. This wasn't a change overnight, of course, I had to keep my urges at bay with defiance.

8 Years Ago... 2017: Relapse

This year was one of turmoil. By this point, we were helping my former roommate by bringing her into the home after extreme traumatic events on her end. But we didn't know that things might get a whole lot worse. This was the year I went to jail. The year I was segregated to the back of yet another Baptist church for my mental illness. The year I was stalked and sexually harassed. And the most traumatic event of all, the violent death of a beloved pet. So, in knowing this, it's no wonder I resorted to self-harming after a year without doing so, and needed to get stitches. Not even a month later, I self-harmed yet again, until May 23rd, 2017, was my last time, as I continued to defiantly resist the urges to this day.

7 Years Ago... 2018: The Move

This year was a year of freedom, independence. My brother, my former roommate and I moved out. While I learned what I couldn't at home, I became more mature. Despite the struggles of growing accustomed to my new living situation, I felt freer and able to learn who I was. This was when I participated more in gamification to help me grow in healing. I gamified fitness, self-care, and productivity, and began making my own gamification challenges. This was also when I drew closer into nostalgia, missing the simpler times and using my time to reconnect with my inner child.

5 Years Ago... 2020: The Quarantine

The collective groan can already be sensed filling the lungs of nearly the entire world, just mentioning this, I suppose. This was the year I bet many could say felt like a fever dream. But this year started earlier than normal for me, in November 2019, when I felt a strange pneumonic disease course through me whilst hearing horrible rumors of an awful disease similar to this... What with the gaslighting of both mainstream media and the government, saying that it was fearmongering and would NOT be as bad as it sounded. Became that crazy year that we can all remember, if we were not too young to recollect it.... Then in February, a tornado that was on the ground for 9 entire minutes and wrecked my childhood home while I still recovered from the 4-month illness that wrecked my lungs, leaving a cavity in them and making my sleep apnea worse than ever. With it, then, affecting what progress I made between 2018-2019 with my therapist and hoping beyond hope that things would return to a sense of normality. The next year would be a loss of a beloved family friend, causing a greater sadness to make everything harder. Yet at this time, there was a light, and I was still able to remain somewhat stable by not ending up self-harming.

2 Years Ago... 2023: What was Grand

The year my time with my first long-term therapist ended. As well as the year I learned to reconnect with my parents and worked to care for my grandmother during her last days. Oh, how I wish I did better for her, but am glad to the bottom of my heart that I was able to do what I did do. The way we spent time together was precious to me but I truly wish I had spent more time and given her the kindness she deserved. I miss my grandmother every day and long to have known if she was saved before she passed. Coming home after caring for her was a relief, but it also was an adjustment as I was completely still in caretaker mode... And I wish I weren't so quick to go and hand her off to my family. Because I wish I had been there with her to the end. Recently, I built my grandma's house on Minecraft and the cherry tree in her backyard. It truly was cathartic, seeing her home as it was when I grew up there. Healed a part of my heart that shattered when her home was no longer the home I remember...But every day comes anew, and I will look onward with those same new eyes.

1 Year Ago...2024: Respawned

After a rough health situation and a falling out with my previous living situation, I moved back in with my parents. It was hard giving up my independence and coming home to help here. But it was harder to deal with the chaos I left behind. With a library nearby, a peaceful, quiet-ish environment, and the ability to have my family with me during one of the hardest years of my life. With the loss of my gramma, the first birthday I would not share with her, and the struggle of a lot of firsts that I didn't have to be alone for, I truly appreciate that time, the patience my family has shown with me, even after the rough start of it all. Hopefully, I can continue each day with this same gratitude and motivation from here on, despite the trials ahead.

Today... 2025: Step by Step

In February of this year, I began a Virta-inspired ketogenic diet. I started at 343lbs and have lost 30lbs since then. I have begun feeling healthy and better just with that alone.e. Yet also aiming to work towards my physical wellbeing more as I now tackle getting medical help with more physical quandries. With another gamified program (Spirit City: Lofi Sessions) helping me track each day (and getting my mum into it as well), I have also been working to use it to track other apps that I have found to be very useful. Shmoody to log my moods, Finch Self-care Pet, and track daily tasks, Habitica to cultivate community as we all track our daily tasks, habits, and to-dos, Amaru Self-care Pet to journal and practice mindfulness exercises, and Peridot to track my fitness. With these, I also aim to practice a plan to aid in the care of each aspect of a human being. I call it the Triquetra Goals. Which has you choose one consistent goal in each category of your being, so to speak... For example:

Triquetra Goals

Spirit: Read a chapter in the Bible
Soul/Mind: Practice deep breathing exercise
Body: Take a walk

Furthermore, I encourage myself to choose three "sidequests," so to speak, every day. Every morning, if my motivation allows it, I consider what extra little thing I can add to do this day that will not be too much of a burden. And in the same way, I would set it in each category. For example:

Triquetra Sidequest

Spirit: Chapter in Heaven By Randy Alcorn
Soul/Mind: Write a journal entry
Body: Bath

This has kept me productive as well as the custom 15min Focus 15min Short Break and 30min Long Break of the pomodoro technique I borrowed from. On some other programs I also learned of acronyms for both journalling and goal setting.

GLAD Journal

(I am) Grateful
(I) Learned
(I) Achieved
(I) Delighted in

SMART Goals

Specific - write out clear and concise goals
Measureable - ability to track progress
Achieveable - set challenging but achievable goals
Relevant - set goals relevant to your life plan
Timely - set a deadline to have goal completed