This has been a distressing month for me. It seems to be the month of disappointments. When given the news that I would not be going to see my best friend, Savannah in Indiana, a couple of months ago, I was discouraged greatly. Shortly before September, my loneliness wound me up in a psych hospital due to some bad circumstances, where I was taken advantage of by a man, online. I participated in inappropriate behaviour with said man. Also began reading erotic stories on wattpad and looking at inappropriate images on tumblr. Now, that I am out and September has arrived, my loneliness is coming back in full force. Often I am thinking about how I absolutely need fellowship with true believers in Christ, so I reach out to my friends, and then when the day of our time together arrives, they reschedule abruptly. Today basically snapped the backbone I tried to force on myself... I had just one disappointment too many. For several times this week I've tried to make myself wake up for each day, and find a reason for waking up-- for that matter this entire month was like that. This past Thursday, the disappointment was that I'd not have a really close friend over and I had been really looking forward to it... then today, I was really looking forward to an outing with another friend to get some frozen yogurt. After I received the text, I kinda sighed at first and tried to force my backbone right back in and I went into the house, and let my mother know that I wouldn't be going. Next thing I knew, my voice cracked and tears flowed down my cheeks and I didn't understand why I was crying at all. The thoughts raging through my mind was all surrounding around how I could no longer be strong now, how selfish I was for crying, how I had been strong for so long so why couldn't I be then?, how I wanted to go "Home", how I wanted to see Savannah, or any friend and then it landed on how I wanted to see my Grandmother Jeannette, my Papa Bud, my cat, Galadrial (all 3 resting in peace), then how I wanted out of my hometown and so on and so forth... So, having had already been struggling with these same thoughts in a milder form, it was today's disappointment that made it grow, and brought me to my knees...
I began to feel like I was being eaten away, because I wasn't getting the Christian fellowship that I knew I desperately needed after helping ungodly people to find the Lord. Loving those who were pretty weak in the faith. And spending time with those who just didn't know where to stand. Forgiving those whom I did not wish to forgive. It was beginning to drain me out, and having had giving up Wattpad and tumblr, I was finding it hard to go through all this without it. I felt as if I was running on empty. So, my countenance grew dark and filled with despair. Now, I'm not saying that this small thing was what was doing this to me. It was big things, small thing, and any size in between having been stacked on me, and having just completely crashed down, with me buried beneath it. The problem with depression for me, is I constantly beat myself over the head for crying for "no reason" which tends to worsen the feelings of having fallen into the depths... The first thing I did this time was let the tears fall, and cried myself to sleep. When I awoke, I continued to cry... I wrote a prayer in my journal and doodled my emotions down as well, listened to calming music... went back to my parents and talked it out, apathetically for a moment and then cried once more, mum prayed over me and then requested others to pray. After a while I did some laundry, and my kitchen chores...I felt better after that. Now why am I telling you guys what I did? It's seemingly everyday stuff right? Well(to those who wouldn't understand), when one is depressed... they struggle with doing such things in times like these. The point being is when you are depressed you do not wish to do anything productive at all, but it's that productiveness that is going to save you from the pit.
When I was praying, I just kept thinking to myself that I really just wanted God's Presence by my side. I knew I couldn't go up to Him, so I desperately wanted Him to just come to meet me where I was. I wanted Him to touch my pain. To those suffering with depression or mental illnesses, ultimately, it's the Lord who will be the One to heal and rescue us. But, more times than not we all will be in the process of healing until we arrive to our Heavenly Home. But, in the meantime, that doesn't mean we don't do things here on earth towards our healing and recovery. In the time I struggled today, I wrote a poem that helped me see God's love for all(including myself) even more deeply and it went like:
Red is the colour of that redemption which cleanses
And red is the rose that springs forth from the ash
The true beauty of that singular rose
Oh, yes how beautiful it is to Me
Though rain overwhelms it to drown, it shall not perish
If you just abide in Me, bountifully will I give you life
My love and grace is all-sufficient for you
--Single Rose by Arianna Scriptsmith
So, in light of understanding the Lord's love this way, I was able to be honest with Him, even if I sounded like a selfish child. I just wanted Him to meet me right where I was. He did it for me. He will do it for you, because He remembered your name on that day He took on all our sin on Calvary's tree. He remembered your tears in Gethsemane, and He remembered your loneliness and fears when He said "I AM here." So, will you remember Him during your time of trial?
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