Often times those in recovery are discouraged by the hardest part in recovery.... relapsing. As I feel in this time.... Now, I didn't say that relapsing is the end of recovery or the opposite of it... It is however the most difficult part of it, because you feel like it is the end and that it is the opposite. A relapse feels like a setback. A relapse makes one feel weak. But, this is me speaking to those lies.... When you relapse, it is only the end if you give up. So, this is encouragement to the relapsed recovery warrior. You may have lost the battle, but you've not lost the war! Do not give up, pick yourself up and do the same you did before.... take one day at a time. Overcome each obstacle. And you slip up again, just keep doing it. Although I reached 1 year, 7 months, and 2 days without cutting, I do remember I had relapsed several more times beforehand. It isn't over. It's not the end. You got this... Don't beat yourself up. You did your best. Tend to the wound. Mend the relationships. Fight the good fight. And keep hoping.
Luceo non uro,
Ari Joy Schaffer
Yesterday marked my first whole year from cutting! My parents put a lot of effort into a 3-course meal and dessert to celebrate also taping a $15 iTunes gift card too!
In a tight time in our finances, I know this was an expensive meal, and appreciated this all the more. The whole thing touched me so much that when I left the room, I was crying a little.
Thankee, mum and daddy. You have no idea how much this touched me! I love you both!
Luceo non uro,
Ari J Schaffer
Well, today, I am celebrating 11 months being clean. It is amazing to look at my scars and see them as they are... scars that have healed over and be able to be at peace with them. God has brought me out of a great darkness, but this only makes me want to release my other addictions with food and pornography even more. I will be honest, I have not let go of what kept me cutting to begin with and I really long to... My bitterness, hurt and rage towards myself and friends makes it difficult to continue in my recovery. Keep me in your prayers, please, my friends...
Luceo Non Uro,
by Arianna Joy Schaffer
It's hard to rest after today
The clock ticks as the minutes go by
It's past midnight and I can't even say
Just exactly how I feel tonight
You read this, and don't know what happened
But, I long, hunger, thirst after Truth
I would give it all up to Him
If I could only be renewed
12:30 nearing the time to rest
But I cannot even will my own eyes shut
It's taken this life's mess
To learn how to escape the rut
I want peace passing all understanding
To find a way back to His love
And these shall be the songs I sing
"Glory to the Lord above!"
Brother, sister, whosoever reads these words
I need to find where the wounded can be healed
My fellows at arms help me to bear good witness to His Word
So that Christ will bridge to the Father, my appeal
Haunted by memories of an internal war
I am weighed down by my shame
The corners of my mind have now been ripped and torn
And the wildfires burns the land and cannot be tamed
I want to experience a deeper peace
I want to be the instrument of it
No longer in bed in an eternal sleep
No longer on the fence to sit
But in my heart and my mind
I can find it nowhere, all I see is rage
I pray that God will grant the wisdom to leave that past behind
Start all over with reconciliation and a new page
Well, I have been thinking about the fact that many of my friends have been telling me that they believe God can cure me of my mental illness. And I know this is well intended, however I'd like to emphasize that just because God can do something does not mean he will. Sometimes, God uses these flames (illnesses) to sharpen us in his forge.
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
~2 Corinithians 12:7b-10
In reality, I have found that people telling me that God can cure me from my mental illness does nothing to encourage me. It makes me grieve. For I was given this thorn the day I was born. Many people speak of the many people that Jesus healed, raised from the dead and preformed miracles. But sometimes the miracle is a person who is not healed instantly. It's the person who carries on through all their life with the same thorn that keeps them humble and relying on God. My thorn is my illness. And it is also my tool. I am able to relate and have compassion on the ones that are like me because I am there too...
Something I'm learning about following God, is trusting that He knows what He is doing. Following Him should never be about expecting everything to be fixed. There is a process and sometimes the scars remain. We are in a body that can scar on flesh. And our minds are connected to that flesh, because the brain is just an inner flesh... It scars and is as broken and unbalanced as the outer flesh... Sure we may pray for healing. And healing will come. It might not be in the way you expected or wanted, but it comes... and one day it shall be complete and if you acknowledge Christ as your Lord you will experience that full a completed healing in Heaven.
"Prayer shouldn't be about God 'fixing' things, but God being present in the midst of those things."
~Rev. Nowell Copley