Heyuu m'loverlies! Lately has been dedicated to finding replacement coping skills and working towards improving my crafts and arts! It has also been dedicating myself to widening my circle of fellowship. In these days I have focused my skills in writing music, lyrics, poetry, and stories, also in drawing, crafting and seeking out new music bands.
My skills now include:
3. Colouring pages
4. Writing with a fountain pen
5. Writing songs
6. Listening to songs
7. Reading scripture
What are the skills that help you guys throughout your anxiety, depression or the sort?
And on a side note: I have broadened my circle and made new friends, and though I love to make brand new friends, I miss the ones I've known longer... And I hope to see them again... But at this time, I am glad that things continue well...
Hey, y'all! I'll be honest, I've been avoiding this ministry with a passion. Not only this ministry, but God. I sought a life of rebellion. Much of it I wish not to post in too much detail, at this time. I have a lot to be honest about with a few people before I post it publicly on this ministry. Anyhow, I am back in gear and allowing God to have me fully once more.
What changed my mind? Well, several things, but the last thing that hit me hard enough to finally rev me up was Celebrate Recovery for this evening... There was a touring band called The Shine Effect there today who gave their testimonies which quickened me once more. Much of what happened in their lives was where I was at that very moment, and I had to wake myself up, change my mind about God, and stop being basically a spoiled little brat... It was time to stop throwing a temper tantrum at God, and time to be all for Him OR completely not for Him and to stop this half-faith...
Heh... So, I'm going to get back in here, now and let you all know that this time I'm being honest! Also, c'mon people! email us your art, testimonies, writings, music or whatevers so we can fire this up! Aren't you ready for that?! Let's work some miracles and small wonders with God backing us up! I wanna see this place light up!
Yes, that is me. Perfectionist in recovery. I had to start working on it because it was ruining my life. Sometimes I have to say "good enough is good enough" and move on, no matter how much it pains me. So, I make the tough decisions when the dividend is not worth the incredible amount of angst and toil that I go through to get it. When I first returned to college after quite the hiatus, I would get upset over missing a question or two on a quiz. This perfectionist tendency makes the stress almost unbearable. However, I persisted in being upset if I didn't do a perfect job, which means 100% of the points. After my second term, I realized that a mid-A works as well as a high, or perfect, A. Did it still bother me when I did less than perfection? Yes, but the feeling was diminishing. For some courses, you know, the really hard ones, I felt great pleasure when I made an A. Then the summer semester started, and God decided that I needed to rid myself of this very unhealthy obsession with perfection.
First, I discovered that I had atrial fibrillation, which was scary. I knew I felt bad, so I went out to look for a new doctor since it had been such a long time since I'd been to one. I was afraid that the doctor would think I was a hypochondriac. Well, not only was I not imagining that I was ill, I was ill. The rapidity that she removed me from the room into a cardiologist's room was frankly scary. Since that time, I discovered that my thyroid was out of whack, then that I had hypothyroidism, to having nodules on my thyroid, to finding out that I had Graves' Disease. This was the beginning of the summer semester where I had unwisely decided to take not two, but three courses at the same time. And not the normal intense 8-week courses, either. I thought it sounded great to take three over an expanse of 15 weeks so that they'd be less intense. Biology 101, Philosophy 201, and Math 201 (Statistics). Well, on a good semester, that's hard. Tie in the health issues, and we are talking major stress levels. I was in for a wild ride.
Then there was the mold that we found in our daughters' room that had grown right up the inside of the wall due to the apartment complex not fixing the leak (read flooding) every time it rained hard. So, we made the decision to move, and as quickly as possible. So, in an already stressful place, and in less than two weeks, we found a new place to move, packed up our belongings, and moved. Due to my heavy workload in school and work, I could really only spare two weeks to do all this, and my husband and kids were left do the bulk of the packing, moving, unpacking, and getting things settled. That was in August. It is now October. The house is mostly settled. There are some odds and ends that I need to take care of. My family has done a wonderful job. Me, I've had to ignore the mess as much as I can. It adds more stress to my life.
In the midst of all of that, my grades suffered a bit. I was able to secure extensions in two of the three courses, but when it was time to turn in everything, I had double the load. To say that I was drowning in schoolwork was an understatement. The last two weeks of class, I just ran out of time to write a paper for philosophy. I was away for a work retreat that Monday, and wouldn't get back home until Wednesday. I was already frazzled and exhausted. I tried to write the paper, but the end of the course was Friday, and I just didn't get it done. I had to make a decision. Do I stay up for two nights in a row to finish a paper that wouldn't be very good anyway, or do I just not turn one in, and make either a B or a C? It was an agonizing choice. My perfectionist side said, "NO! You can't NOT turn in an assignment!" but the I'm so tired, and my health is already in decline side of me said, "Is it worth it to make an A? How long would it take to recuperate from an all-nighter when working, and the new term starts the following Monday?" I have to say that I made the right choice. I decided to go for the health aspect of the decision, and I wrote an apology email to my professor. I made a B in the course. Does it still bother me? Absolutely! I'd be lying if it didn't. However, I am slowly coming to terms with it. It was a rough summer. Too much was going on. My last school break was in March. I just finished the first term of Fall last night. That has been 31 weeks straight of school with only two weekends between terms. That's a lot. That's too much, especially in regards to the Summer term that I am still trying to get over.
So, my first term of Fall was less intense with two courses instead of three really long courses. It was easier to handle two courses, even though they were very hard. In one course, Introduction to Graphic Design, there was an extra credit project I could choose to do. I was pretty booked up with my programming class, so I decided that if I finished all my work in both classes, and I still had time, I'd do the extra credit project worth 50 points. I finally finished my programming assignment last night around 10 o'clock. Everything was done, and I had enough time to work on the extra credit project. Guess what I did? Did I do what I would have done in March to make sure I made the highest A? Or did I learn something through this summer's refining summer? As I said, I'm a recovering perfectionist. Let me know in the comments what your thoughts are....
Well, well, well... LIGHTforMI has been AWOL for a while, haven't we? Life just got busy and emergencies cropped up. We are fairly settled in and everything is unfurling well. But, anyhoo... I wanted to tell you guys that I started going to New Day Clubhouse, working in the administrative unit! Life has gotten easier to cope with. Not perfect, but, I am glad to say that I am not allowing myself to stay home too much. :) Meanwhile, I have started many projects in arts, crafting and writing and music as my coping skills... We will be sure to update as soon as we are able, but at this time, I am unsure of where to begin... God bless y'all!
'twas a difficult time for me, this month... I have been seriously struggling with my depression. What with losing three friends and having horrific nightmares. I've gotten back into an old obsession-- the anime show; Naruto. When watching the linked scene, it pierced through my heart... "You even rejected the one who tried to help you..." When Gaara was weeping that, I felt like God was speaking to me through that video... It helped me to realize that Jesus is weeping that. I've grieved him greatly.
I constantly gave into my addiction to porn and eroticas and cut a lot but that image of tears in Gaara's eyes reminded me of Jesus. Of course, I know that might sound silly... but God uses all my media choices to reveal images to me. I've gone 7 days without looking at eroticas and porn. Also gone 9 days without cutting, now! I wrote/listened to/took these to get through it all:
I fight a hardcore battle. The severity of the war of my mind is so oppressing. I have blood spilling from my wrists and tears raining from my eyes... I am but a bystander. I didn't ask for this war. Don't look at me if you're looking for perfection. I may look strong; I might be kind. I may look courageous and like I've never cried a single tear. But I'm imperfect; and I'm my worse enemy. I cry behind locked doors and into my pillow.
I am just a child in a suit of armour, traumatized by the explosions and afraid of the warcries... I am no citizen, I am an immigrant. I am no soldider, I am a healer. I am no warrior, I am a bard. My home is not here it is beyond... I am not called to train to make wound but to heal them; but every time I aim to do exactly that, I end up hurting them more... Just don't look to me to be your perfect lil emotionless robot to do all you say with no concern for myself... I am only human.
And for all of your information, for a long time, I felt God nudging me to write my life story. I fought him, but I'm finally writing it! I feel someone could learn from or better yet, be comforted by it... I'm hoping my story is inspiring...